How to Stamp Out Micro-Aggressions?
Micro-compassions Might Help
When I first learned the term “micro-aggressions”, I was taken aback by some of the examples psychology professor, David Wing Sue, used to describe these mini-forms of stereotyping, dismissiveness, and outright cruelty we humans inflict on each other. Taken aback because I realized, as I’m sure many of us have, that if we are truthful about it, we have all participated in some form or another of micro-aggressive behavior, wittingly or not. Whether it is not speaking up or just “going along” when a colleague, friend or relative makes a veiled racial slur (e.g. it was an awkward moment when I finally spoke up to my mother after she told me how nice my “oriental friend” was, and I had to remind her that carpets are oriental, not people) or voicing an off-hand judgement about someone because of their race, appearance, culture or background.
So still today I am learning, paying closer attention to the subtle and not so subtle judgements, or belittlements that we either express or participate in with little awareness of how these may be hurtful. Although we are not likely to make micro-aggressions disappear anytime soon, perhaps we can move the ball forward by adding a new micro-behavior into our daily routines: micro-compassions.
Here’s the top five I’m taking up in the midst of this pandemic disruption — which affords us all the opportunity to fine tune our social skills in online forums — and elsewhere — with greater self-awareness and empathy:
- Smiles: Have you ever noticed how easy it is to slip into a frown when in a virtual (or live) meeting and the topic veers away from your interest? One aspect of gestural connection that becomes exaggerated in virtual “rooms” but that has been shown by neuroscience research to be universally key to psychological safety in human groups, is smiling. Smiling causes the release of oxytocin within your own brain and the brains of those with whom you smile — thus, at a neuro-chemical level engendering greater trust, empathy and connection. If you spend a lot of time in virtual rooms, take up the practice of consciously smiling more — and lo and behold — you might enjoy it. The pleasure of connecting that others can feel is very likely to be returned, especially when they smile back.
- Eye contact: Here is another micro-gesture — very noticeable in a Zoom room — that has also been demonstrated by neuroscience researchers to build trust and affinity: looking direct into another’s eyes. Surely, we all know that direct eye contact can feel awkwardly intimate, yet it is also powerful, subtle, and restorative. In virtual “rooms” When you look directly into the camera (not always easy as we all have the habit of watching ourselves rather than looking at the camera; the trick is to place your own ‘box’ right under the camera!), the receiver feels “seen” and valued, sending the signal that your focus is not elsewhere, but on them.
- Round ups: There have been many scientific studies demonstrating that generosity — giving just for the sake of giving with no requirement for a reciprocal act — releases brain chemicals — oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine that flood the bloodstream with the experience of pleasure. It is also true that giving, of time and money, can be challenging for many. Yet just the micro-act of “rounding up” on a restaurant tip, adding a small amount to a cleaning bill, or handing the change back to the cashier — all of these micro-gestures of generosity add up, making both the receiver and giver feel a deeper level of compassion and humanity.One of my most revered teachers, Toni Stone of Wonderworks Studio, who teaches skills around how to build a prosperity mindset — always adds a “thank you” at the bottom of every check she writes, whether for utilities, rent or groceries. When I first learned this, I thought, “how silly, you thank your town for sending the water bill?” But as she pointedly reflected back: it is her attitude of gratitude that counts. These “thanks” are a tiny gesture perhaps, but also a reminder of her good fortune at having all the basics of life taken care of — something that we tend to take too easily for granted.
4. Listen ups: One of the most interesting studies that I experienced when in grad school was one conducted on my own class by a female colleague: she recorded the amount of time the men spoke versus the women, and the extroverts versus the introverts. Of course, you can surmise the results. The extroverted men spoke a substantial percentage more often than everyone else. The fact that men spoke up more was hardly a surprise, but when the class reflected together on the personal and social impact of this dynamic, it wasn’t just the lack of balance that was deleterious — it was all the great ideas, creativity and connection that was being lost.
The crucial benefit of my classmate’s study — was not simply the data that proved a point, but what emerged once those of us who spoke more (myself included, although I was not one of the worst offenders) made more room for the voices of others. My colleague, Carrie Arnold, has done research and written a powerful book on this subject of “silencing,” especially of women. In today’s environment where systemic racism and sexism is finally being brought out into the light of day, it behooves all of us, but especially men, to spend more time listening and less time talking, more time learning and less time “knowing”. Active listening may be small gesture — but it is a gift we can all share on the path to greater self-awareness and compassion.
5. Micro-respects: Unfortunately, in the rush to check-off “to-do” lists, many of my leader clients have become habituated to using a short hand, direct communication style — with minimal social etiquette — in emails, texts and chats. For many, gone are the days when we said, “dear so and so”, “Thank you” or “warm regards” on emails. I’ve noticed an increased rush to use exclamation points, emojis, and blunt phrases, so that the communication lands like a sledgehammer: “Did you do it yet “smiley”!!? or “Get that done today!”
Yet, despite the obvious speed and seeming practicality of these short-forms of communication, something important gets lost in the mix: respect and human connection.
Taking two or three extra seconds to add a warm greeting or word of gratitude to a request or follow-up may seem like a waste of time — but think about how you feel when someone is polite and thoughtful in their online communications: you feel heard, respected, and valued. Micro-compassions, small tokens of respect and gratitude in our communications, can go a long way to reinforce what we most value: each other.
This list is hardly definitive, nor will it erase the pain caused by the “death by a thousand little cuts” atmosphere that can pervade a social setting fraught with micro-aggressions. Yet, as we become aware of our shadow tendencies — and try to do better — we can work to eliminate what is hurtful and also increase what re-connects us to our common humanity. After all, we are 99.9% the same. We all seek meaning, purpose, and connection in a world that can be harsh and cruel, even in the best of times, let alone during a pandemic.
What else should we add to this list? Please send me your suggestions. I’d love to keep building it out!
